Casi ahí

Ask not for a lighter burden but for broader shoulders. - Jewish proverb 

Almost there, just have to strap in and push through. 

Bordem is the loneliest number

What matters most

When I'm out of the hospital for a week or 2 weeks I try to document my family as much as I can. They are definitely a huge part of my life.

4/14/17

I took this image on the day my life changed for ever. My doctor called me and told me to go to the nearest ER because my platelets were extremely low and I was at risk. On the way to 2nd ER (the first was a 24 hr Small ER) my lower back pain was excruciating, my one smidge of comfort came when I folded myself up and put my feet on the dashboard.

After 6 hrs and many, many vials of blood later, I had my diagnosis. Z and I cried for a minute... to be honest, as soon as I heard the words "Leukemia" Zoey popped in my head. I started to think about all the things I wouldn't be able to teach her and all the memories I'd miss. That's why I cried... I didn't give a damn about what was wrong with me. People get diagnosed with cancer everyday, I am no different.

Now this post isn't gonna be all sad and mushy, I'm happy to say I've been in remission since late May. My job is to keep that streak going and that's exactly what I will do. I will be around for a very, very long time friends. 

In this together

What can I say, that you haven't already shown. This has been a hard journey for both of us, one day you had a husband there to help raise our sweet (and stupid energetic) Zoey... then the next you didn't. I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry... I know it is out of our hands but I want to be there. I miss ya'll something terrible and can't wait for that FaceTime at the end of the day. We've cried on each others shoulders (I kinda had to stoop for yours) but I am certain this is just a temporary learning block. We've argued about your need for rest and you not making the trek over here. We aren't perfect but when we make it through this, we'll be able to make it through anything thrown our way. Thank you and I'm honored to be your husband. I love you Zenaida Campbell.

Home

Home sweet home! After 29 days (round one chemo) of being away from Z, Zoey and my home... I just wanted to relax with them. You never truly know how blessed you are until it is taken away. Hold everyone you hold dear tight... very tight, for they could be taken away as soon as they step outside the door.

The contortionist box

The title says it all... at the beginning it took me more time to get "in" the restroom than it took to "go" to the restroom.  Since this is my 4th round here, I'm a damn pro at maneuvering my IV stand in such a small space. Gotta remember to put that down in my resume.

Reflections

This self portrait thing is hard, I mean... just sitting in front of the camera is easy. Making it meaningful is the hard part. Documenting yourself is hard as well, I'm constantly reminding myself to shoot everything... even the mundane. This is my first time turning the camera on myself and it is very eye opening. Self portraits seem to be helping me find out more of who I am and what I can achieve. 

Let's face it, there is a possibility that Leukemia can take me. I'm not being negative, that is my reality. Of course I'm doing very, very well with chemo therapy and I feel fantastic... but the reality of things is no matter how awesome I feel, I have cancer. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed... I feel redirected and decisively more purposeful. Just because I realize I can die from Leukemia doesn't mean I'm going to go into the night peacefully... because I won't.

Passage of time

In 3 days I'll start my 4th round of chemo, it was really good to be home for 2 weeks! I got to spend a lot of time with Z and Zozo but it is back to reality. I shot this the first week on my first round of chemo, this construction site looks very different now. This is my clock, to show the passage of time. Hopefully I can convey a real passage of time in 7 months.

Stanzia and her mobile keyboard

On Wednesday's we have a young adults with cancer meeting. At the end of the meeting Stanzia (pretty sure I butchered her name) sings a song for the group. Now it might seem like these meetings are corny and you are better of by yourself. They aren't and you are not, now the meetings might not be everyone's cup of tea but it is good to know you have people who are fighting the same battles... sometimes the same cancer as you. Experience goes a long way in this fight.

Pee bottles

I've sat here for a while... trying to think of a better title for this post.Ha... ha... I failed... but when the chemo or drug side effects hits you hard as hell, making it to the restroom is sometimes not a option. That little jug hanging off the trashcan has saved me more than once. 

These bottles also serve the purpose of monitoring your fluid output. That way the nurses and doctors can see if you're retaining fluid or urinating it all out.  If pee grosses you out... then you might not want to continue on with this feed, because it only gets better!

Going home

4 am... I might not look happy but I was elated! The nurse come in at 1am and told me I might be going home in the morning (I did). I'm not a big smiler hence my face but I just couldn't go back to sleep. I was excited to spend time with Zoey and Z, I was excited for fresh air and anything other than level 8 of Methodist Oncology ward. 

P.S. This is from my first round of chemotherapy, I'm now about to start round 4.

Self

This is me at a bloated 197lbs (13lbs in 4 days) up from a lean 184lbs... they have to bloat me with water to help flush the chemo out of my body as quick as possible. I want talk to ya'll about weight loss and psych, I'll been one way for the better part for 24 years. I made it up to 270lbs in my early 20's, was squatting over 700, deadlifting almost 700, benching high 500's. Then I got into bodybuilding. Cut down to 210 and never looked back.

When you are known to be at a certain level, a level you worked soooo hard to achieve... it should bother you when you lose it. Well it didn't really bother me to lose weight as fast as I did until I hit 180... that was a 50lbs loss. I haven't been 180 lbs since 7th grade. I know after this is all said and done I will gain it back but it kinda feels like a piece of my identity was taken way for now. 

26 days

The pain of missing your child is the most unbearable pain. To have them grow up without you even if it is for just 3 weeks is unthinkable to me. This is me after not seeing Zoey for 26 days during my first round chemo. I broke down, ugly cry and all. I go back to the hospital on next Monday, I would say I'm better prepared but I would be lying. I love you Zozo!

Breakfast cocktail

To combat the effects of chemo I have to down a assortment of drugs,

Anti viral

Anti Bacterial

Anti fungal

Anti nausea

Methyl-Prednisone

Pepsin

I've never taken this much medication before but I must say that it is doing it's job! besides a couple day of being extremely tired I haven't had any real bad days... yet.